Category Archives: Till sunset and beyond

A man stays on the 45th floor of a skyscraper. But every time he wants to go up, he presses the button for the 15th floor and then takes the stairs all the way till his floor. can u explain Why ?
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Well…. hmmm….. he was a midget and hence couldnt reach the button for the 45th floor.
I am really sorry to throw this P.J at you. I heard this one in school and havent forgotten it due to its sheer “poorness”.

But Alhamdulillah, all of us are full blown adults. Yet, we deliberately choose to press low lying and easily reachable buttons in the elevators of life. We simply dont dare to press the ones that are higher up, slightly above our reach. Those that demand a little stretching. Every day we see people who have risen up just because they have done just that. But we attribute their success to luck, “Wasta” or “the silver spoons that they were born with…”

Life is just like an elevator. It takes you where you want it to take you. Sometimes it brings you down instead of up. But you dont have to get down at the ground floor and stay there for ever. Consider that as a free ride and wait for the next opportunity to jump in and press the top most button.

And flash your best smile always , make small talk with your co travellers and be courteous…. Make sure that you hold the door ajar for all those lovely ladies. But also make sure that you dont miss the bus….

And most importantly, never forget that life is as brief as any elevator ride and what u do in that brief sojourn decides whether you reach the terrace amidst the clouds or the basements filled with muck…….

I am pretty sure that you wouldn’t disagree with the title of my post. If a teeny weenie child does something that doesn’t feature in your list of acceptable behaviors…. would you allow hot steam to gush out of your ears ? I doubt it. But if the same thing is done by an adult who could match your biceps and triceps fiber to bulge….. it would be a different story altogether. And If the offender fits in the heavyweight and you are in the featherweight category, it would be a third story. I am not suggesting that Anger is a bad thing. Getting angry at the right person for the right purpose to the right degree at the right time is indeed a very good thing. But we often do just the opposite.

Some of the typical things that I have seen Homo sapiens (Including myself) do are… Screaming/Throwing things/Hitting people/Cursing/Banging ones head

To make a long list short, let me put it this way. Anger isn’t bad. But Aggression during anger is….And this behavior comes from the same instinct that our forefathers who lived in the jungles once had. They used to paint their faces red and plant bones and plumes into their unwashed hair, to scare potential opponents away. So even today we try the same antics… this just proves that Aggression is really fear in disguise. So if you scream at your wife, it is another way of telling her that you are scared of her. I am sure that my loyal male readers would scoff at this suggestion. Come on, let us be honest. Fearsome lions we are for sure. But inside our dens, it’s another story…

Sick jokes apart, Medical research tells us that a person with continual episodes of anger has a five-time greater chance of dying before age 50. Divorces, Job losses, broken ties and relationships….. In other words, ANGER is just one silly letter away from DANGER.

Allah’s Messenger said: “The strong is not the one who over comes people by his strength. But the strong is the one who controls him while in anger.”

God promises Jannah to those to repress anger….The holy Quran says….

“And march forth in the way to forgiveness from your Lord, and for a Paradise as wide as the heavens and the earth, prepared for the righteous; those who spend in prosperity and in adversity, repress anger, and pardon men. Verily, Allah loves the good-doers-The Family of Imran Al ‘Imran Aya 134”

I am sure that you are all in perfect agreement with me so far. And all of you want to interrupt to tell me “THANKS FOR THE LECTURE. NOW TELL US- HOW ON EARTH CAN WE MANAGE OUR ANGER ?, especially since we run into million provocations of every hideous variety every day”

Well, there are many effective tools. Learning and applying Transaction Analysis is one of them (I will cover T.A in a subsequent post Insha allah). But today I want to introduce you to the Great Anger Log, a surefire way to become aware of your anger triggers and an even greater way to learn how to manage it. It’s a very simple tool..

Find a cozy corner, take a steaming cup of coffee and proceed to fill up this table. Take your own sweet time. Make sure that you cover the most frequent anger triggers and map your behavior to these (You will not be impressed). Then go on to rack your brains and come out with alternate ways of behaving non aggressively to each of these triggers. Just by doing this, you automatically program yourself sub consciously to remind you each time this trigger happens. And you will be surprised to find yourself responding differently.

Keep revisiting the log and adding on to it. In due course of time, you will find yourself deleteing entries as you would have taught yourself to respond gracefully to certain triggers…. Give it a try. It’s definitely worth the effort.

Let me leave you with this Saying of Prophet Muhammed (PBUH) about anger..

Allah’s Messenger said : a believer is never allowed to stay angry with his brother over three days, because if he who does that, he will go to hell (FIRE) . (This is reported by Abu Dawood)

The aroma of EID wafting in as soon as the last week approaches wearily

The Suhoor announcer who sings Old hindi hits rehashed with sufiyana lyrics begins to sound sad

A section of the crowd deserts the masjids and occupies the well lit narrow souqs buying dazzling clothes and shining shoes

The Imam bids a tearful good bye to the holy month from his pulpit

The anticipation on the eve of the 30th………

Going to sleep, waiting to be woken up with good news

Waking up at mid night to the sounds of bursting crackers and children shouting Takbeers from over flowing auto rickshaws

Reciting the same, running around the courtyard till ones voice turns hoarse

A million phone calls…. Excited greetings

Lighting up a small portion of the “safe” flower pots and sparklers and saving the rest for the grand show on EID night

Sister and mother busy applying horrendous Mehndi designs on their palms

Falling asleep in the wee hours of the morning

Waking up, taking a bath and dressing up in clothes still having price tags and pins on them

Tip toeing respectfully to Uppa’s room to receive a dab of Attar on the palm

Going to the Eid Gah well before prayer time…

Occupying the first rows and shouting the Takbir, recited off key by the ageing stalwarts of the town

Finishing the prayers, the Imams passionate speech (with strong reminders to sustain the spirit)

Embracing every child and man around you 3 times, enjoying the fragrance of a cocktail of perfumes

Breakfast!!!!! After a month

Opening EID Gifts from Uppa and Umma

Visiting relatives and receiving money as EID gifts. Cramming your mouth with hundred different sweets

Playing with the kids of relatives and friends who call on us

Grand lunch… Mutton Biriyani

Going to the beach in the car in the evening, evading the crazy traffic on the streets

Enjoying the cheap ice-cream sold on the beach and sharing the joy with half the town who has chosen the same spot to revel

No Iftar !!!! (missing the over sweet lime juice and the many fried snacks)

Reaching home late…..

Competing with the neighbors in bursting the rest of the crackers… Feeling jealous about the ones who are allowed to burst big noisy ones

Name sake dinner

Falling asleep in a state of excitement, exultation and slight pain….. since Bakrid is still far away….

Hope I can hand over at least a part of this magical feeling to my kids, Amaan and Jehan this time.

EID Mubarak

Had some stunning paradigm shifts about forgiveness lately. They are life changing concepts. Hope you will find them inspiring too……

While he was in the mosque with his followers, prophet Muhammad (PBUH) once remarked- “The next man coming in, has attained paradise”. All the followers waited with bated breath and were quite surprised when a very low profile man from the town came in and sat down. Their surprise grew into intense curiosity, when the same incident happened a couple of times as well. They all had one question in their minds- “What in the name of god was making this man so special ?”.

One of the followers formed a plan. He went to the house of the one who was promised paradise and requested permission to stay with him for a few days. In line with the famous Muslim hospitality, the man welcomed him in with open hands. The spy stayed with his host, intently observing and analyzing. He was however increasingly puzzled because his host wasn’t doing anything extraordinary. He was merely following the obligatory rites prescribed for the believers. Finally, after his curiosity overtook his caution, the guest opened up and explained the true reasons for his actions. He also enquired- “Please tell me: what on earth you do differently to be promised a coveted place in paradise ? ”. The host was equally puzzled. He racked his brains and came up with his answer. “Before I go to sleep each night, I tell god that I have forgiven all those who have hurt me. Then I remember him as the ultimate forgiver and beseech him to forgive my sins. This is all that I do differently”

Now this is an amazing anecdote. Quite logical as well. If we don’t forgive those who have hurt us and don’t wash away the animosities that we have, how can we even dare to ask god for forgiveness ? . How can we expect to have our records cleaned, when we carry along with us even the smallest slights that we have been inflicted with?

So let this become a habit. Let us include statements of forgiveness in our prayers. And let us wait for the tides of blessings to wash us over…..

Another good way to cleanse our hearts off the resentments built up, would be to sincerely pray for the well being of all those who are estranged. Let us pray for their good health , prosperity and success. I tried it last night and trust me, it has a very soothing effect. Hope our positive thoughts about them will also travel across the universe and influence their minds , drawing them closer to us till all broken ties are mended for good.

In the meantime, let us also remind ourselves that forgiving doesn’t always have to be accompanied by forgetting. The prophet says that we have to repeatedly assume that the ones who hurt us had only the best intentions. He recommended that we do that even up to 70 times. This will surely help us to defeat our biases and prejudices. But he also says that a believer will not be bitten by a snake from the same hole twice.

So let us go ahead and forgive the snake. Let us also repeatedly tell ourselves that the world truly has good intentions, but let us also be alert to the possibility of being bitten again…

It’s a tough balancing act…. All the very best.

I learnt an interesting concept during my “Life Coach” Training session last night. Let me share it with you all.

Take a piece of paper and draw a circle (Let it be big and bold…)

Come on do it now !!!!!!!!

Divide it into 6 equal zones (If you haven’t done it already, read the previous line again… till you do it)

Write the below words in each of the 6 zones (1 per zone)

• Professional
• Relationships
• Emotional
• Health
• Financial
• Spiritual

Now rate yourself from 1 to 10 in each of these zones (10 being perfect and 1 being pathetic…Ha Ha). Make sure that you write the numbers in a way that their positions represent their values. If it’s 2, write it closer to the centre. If its 8 write it closer to the curve and so on….

Once this is done, draw curved lines in each zone just under the number. It should be part of a circle spanning the zone.

Now you have the wheel of life

If it’s a smooth wheel, you are lucky… life will roll on smoothly. If its Jagged and uneven, you will have many bumps and tremors… and you will not end up much farther from your starting point.

Your objective is to make your wheel as big as the circle itself… by scoring perfect 10’s in each zone. To do that, you need to set goals, address road blocks, do the right things and stay motivated…. More on these later. Keep watching this space.

After suffering thirteen arduous years of persecution and untold suffering, the believers left their homes and livelihood behind and migrated to a foreign city, carrying nothing but their deep faith with them.

The Leader stayed back of course, till the last of them were safely away from the reach of the sword points of the aggressors. And then he followed suit, leaving behind his motherland and the immense riches that would have come to him if he had complied with the irresistible offers of his enemies…. “Even if you give me the sun in my right hand, and the moon in my left, I would continue on this path till either I perish or god’s will succeed”- he had said.

The aggressors weren’t satisfied with the cleansing. They launched assault after assault. Yet they couldn’t obliterate the small band of believers. And then, they decided on an all out final attack. Truces were made with all the tribes of Arabia and an army, whose likes were never, ever seen before was raised and this huge column was getting ready to march to Medina….

The Prophet (PBUH) and his followers were busy praying and planning. One day he decided to travel to a neighboring tribe of polyethiests to request for their neutrality. He met their chieftain and after promising him to hand over half the fruits and crops of Medina, the tribe agreed to stay neutral in the conflict. As the prophet returned, he remembered that he had taken this decision unilaterally without consulting the amir of Medina, who had the rightful say in this matter. Though he was the unchallenged leader of the whole city, he went to the Amir and informed him of the decision.

Contrary to his expectations, the amir disagreed with the prophet’s action. He said “When we were weak and small, we never made concessions with the unjust disbelievers. Why should we do it now, that we are bigger and stronger?”

The prophet could very well have enforced his decision and even the Amir would have complied. But being the leader that he was, he accepted the Amir’s argument and went back to the tribe and revoked the truce.

Let us ask ourselves. As Managers, how often do we change our plans and decisions based on the inputs of our subordinates?

Our reluctance to do so might very well be one reason why we don’t have inspired followers who tell us – “show us the open sea and we would jump into it till the last man”

In the 1990’s, our country was embroiled in the Lose- Lose Ram Temple- Babri Masjid controversy. Allow me to give the uninitiated a short history course. The majority community believed that an erstwhile minority community ruler destroyed a holy temple and constructed a mosque in its place . Almost 1000 years later, a militant wing of the majority community sought retribution, by razing the mosque to the ground and reinstating the temple. This issue divided the whole country along communal lines and unprecedented scenes of arson and killing happened all over. It was very tough to be non partisan and rational during those days as pain and hate inducing reports of death and atrocities were pouring in by the minute. I was in my teens and was quite effected by the happenings. I was mourning the destruction of the mosque and was giving vent to my feelings at every opportunity.
An ageing and wise relative who had called on us, called me aside and related a story from Islamic history that brought in tender showers of relief in my heart and soul. It gave me a new paradigm altogether. Let me share it with you today.

During the Caliphate of Omar Ibn Khattab (R.A) , Islam was spreading far and wide and hundreds of people were coming into its fold every day. The Governor of Egypt was facing a severe problem. The Masjid in the city was too small to accommodate the increasing number of believers. His only option was to renovate and enlarge the building. But a small house of a Coptic Christian lady stood as a major stumbling block to this plan. The house came in the way. The governor approached her and offered to give her a better place in the city and requested her to leave. She refused. He offered to pay her much more than the value of the land. She vehemently stuck to her stand. Finally the governor deposited this money in the treasury, enabling her to avail it any day and ordered for the destruction of the house.
The old lady was grief stricken. She went around seeking help. Someone told her that the Caliph in Medina, who was the commander of the faithful was a very just man. They advised her to meet him and seek his help. The old lady decided to do so. After travelling for many months, she reached medina and got to meet the Caliph. By this time, the house was demolished and the construction of the mosque was in full swing. The lady presented her case to the caliph. He pondered over the request for a while and sought the reason for her reluctance to move.
The lady tearfully said “My husband and sons are dead and they are buried in that compound. When I sleep in my house, I feel that they are standing guard over me and protecting me. I feel safe in their presence. I can never be comfortable anywhere else”
Upon hearing this, the just ruler ordered for the mosque to be demolished and the house to be rebuilt. The land was restored to her with honor.

The wise old man ended the story and opined “If you pray by treading on the tear drops of innocents, I don’t think they will be answered”.

I am not suggesting a solution for this age old highly politicized problem. But the tears of the old lady and the words of the caliph drove the radical out of my soul.. forever.

When I was least expecting it, I got a long distance call from India, late at Night. An impatient handset in the late hours is one of the worst nightmares for any expat. But this turned out to be soul mate from the good old days (Or rather, the Bad young days). From his voice I would understand that he was very drunk. He also sounded miserable. He asked me, “Imbayi, I have been feeling very depressed lately. Give me an instant cure”. I was surprised. He was one of the most adventurous of our friends. Hailing from a very rich family, he knew all along that he had very few challenges lurking on his way. All he had to do was ease himself into the already successful family business, at the apt time of his choice. So he breezed through life in a very swashbuckling style. And now this cowboy was feeling depressed.

“Go find someone who needs help and help him out”, I said. “Imbrayi, how will this cure me?” he enquired. Though I wasn’t in the mood to dole out a psychology class (My wife was making faces, as our kids were stirring), I just gave him the basics. “You feel depressed when your self esteem is very low. When your Self image takes a beating, you develop a sense of worthlessness, and you increasingly feel sad and bad”. “How can helping someone make me feel better”, he persisted. “Well, some people go buy costly things for themselves, or show off their treasures, when they feel low. It’s called the bling bling factor. Louder the Jewelry, lower usually is the self esteem. But this rarely works. The only true way to pamper your Self image is to help someone who is badly in need of something. Could be a motorist stuck on the road, a patient who needs financial support, a person looking for a job. When you really take pains to help them, Volia !!!! Your self esteem inflates itself automatically, irrespective of whether you succeed in your mission or not. So Its WIN WIN both ways.” He didn’t sound very convinced and he hung up soon after.

Helping other go way beyond merely making you feel good. Only If you are comfortable with yourself and only if you love and respect yourself, will you be able to give comfort, love and respect to others. It’s obvious that you can give only things that you have. And only if you give, will you receive. So this evolves either into a vicious or virtuous cycle, building on itself like a snowball, till you either become liked and feeling wonderful, or end up feeling bad and despised. As the saying goes- Only Givers Get.

He indeed called up a few days later, earlier in the evening. He sounded sober. “Imbrayi, I spoke to some of my close friends and 6 of us went and donated blood at the local blood bank. Though I was worried that the guy who gets my blood would get a high, I did it anyway. He chuckled. His tone gave way the glow and happiness he was feeling inside”. “So, are you still feeling depressed, I asked”? “Depressed? Me? Never! That’s for the weak hearted”.
That is so typical of him.

Most of us simply refrain from asking for what we want from life. We expect the world to read our minds and offer us the things we seek on a platter. What stops us from asking ? The Must read book-Aladdin factor extols the advantages enjoyed by those who muster up the courage to ask. Is it the fear of rejection that stops us in our tracks? But why should we fear rejection? You ask, you get. Good for you. You ask, you don’t get…you are not worse off since you didn’t have it in the first place. Right?. You might be slightly embarrassed for being refused. But we need to learn to deal with that. On the night of Miraj, god ordained 50 rakats of prayer each day for the muslims. Prophet Muhammed (PBUH) went back repeatedly to the almighty and got it reduced to 5……
So we are taught that we can persistently stick to asking for what we want…Till we get it.