After abandoning a heated (“Explosive ” is a better word) argument with a complete stranger in the middle of the road, amidst a cacophony of blaring horns and abuses (in multiple languages) hurled by other irate drivers, I got back into my car. Trust me, we would have gone on if the wail of a police siren in the distance hadn’t driven sense into our overheated heads.
Once I zoomed off with a flushed face and got ourselves out of the imbroglio, my long suffering wife gave me “That look” , saying “Tsk”, “Tsk”, “Tsk”.
“What ?”, I growled. “Didn’t you see how he behaved?”
“I don’t think he is a Corporate Trainer and I doubt whether he is a coach either. And I am very sure that he doesn’t host a popular self development blog”, She retorted.
“And I really hope that none of your trainees saw your performance tonight”, she continued.
To end the patronizing preaching, she decreed…. “After all your reading and training, you got HOT. You should BE SAD, not sounding self righteous”
That last phrase got me thinking….HOT…BE SAD
HO: HOW did I create this overblown situation? (The sequence of events)
T: What was I THINKING? (He shouldn’t have done that. How dare he? Doesn’t he know how to drive? Doesn’t he have any manners?…………………….)
BE: What were my BELIEFS? (Everyone is a good driver. Everyone will accept sincere polite criticism. Everyone will understand my point of view. Everyone will respond the way I want them to…)
S: What did I SAY/DIDN’T SAY that lead to this situation (When I told him to drive carefully, he asked me to ^%&* off. Then I called him an uncivilized animal instead of saying “Thank you/May god protect you/Please take care” and driving off)
A: What ACTION did I take/NOT TAKE ( I blocked his car, got out, tried opening his door…. Instead of just driving away….)
D: What will I do DIFFERENTLY next time (Make sure that he hears what I want to say politely and get lost without even waiting to hear his version or reply)
I felt a lot more wiser and self composed after asking these questions to myself and finding the answers. At the end of the day, you can’t blame anyone else for the mess that you are in. You have to take 1000% responsibility and get yourself out of the mess.
So if you find yourself pointing fingers at someone at any point of time (could be your boss, or your neighbor, wall street, climate), ask yourself : HOT…BE SAD. And the next time will be different…..better actually.
9 responses to “Got HOT?????, now BE SAD”
Once again a great post!
Can non-members attend your training sessions? I want to have a hands on experience.
We all have to face situations like these and the most difficult part is not to get angry. Now, let me describe the strategy that I use to get out of such sticky situations.
Before I continue you must know that I ride a bike and that too on Kochi roads(if you have ever been to this part of Kerala you won’t need another class describing what amounts to rash and negligent driving)
Situation 1 : A guy spat pan ( red sticky saliva mixed with tobacco) on to my trousers from a bus. I looked at him and gave a thank you and thumbs up(for not targeting my white shirt), he was so ashamed that he came to me and apologized.
Situation 2 : An old man crossed the road without looking either ways. Subhan Allah as my bike had good breaks and new tires, it stopped before hitting that elderly gentleman. There were lots of people watching this as this happened near a bus stop, again I used the same old technique, and it worked like magic, all those people watching this suddenly shifted the their allegiance to me the bike rider(who is always blamed in such circumstances) rather than to the old man.
Moral: Fight a negative reaction with a really positive vibe , and always know that getting into a fight is like throwing the boomerang which gets back to you if it has not lamed the target .
Courtesy for this idea : Lage Raho Munna Bhai (Bollywood movie) and most importantly the hadith with says “There should be neither harming nor reciprocating harm.”
p.s: This change was caused due to the bitter experiences that I had with people on the road, getting offensive only helps to flare the road rage. So the best option is to remain defensive and face it with a light heart.
Thanks for the lovely suggestions. They are indeed tough to implement. But if one does it, it will create profound change for sure
Firstly its my pleasure being able to get in touch with you.
Wonderful blog – HOT BE SAD:)
Will keep looking for more blogs..in future.
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Blocking the car..Seriously..You did that..:)- Why did you do that ? Visceral reaction to a swear word ..:)-
I think we should be prepared before-hand. Conflicts can happen any time.
I am throwing out a couple of more ideas to include in our arsenal.
a) Time Management : For eg when any conflict happens, thinking about how much time you would waste trying to prove your point or how much time you can save if you can ignore it and go on. Especially considering the fact that you gain no material advantage by proving your point.
b) A super teflon coated ego : i.e an super-confident ego not bruised easily.
i.e an ego capable of ignoring an uncouth probably dim-witted stranger saying something rash.
I am sort of making a case for a little bit of ‘arrogance’ in these kind of situations. An arrogance that says your time is valuable that guy’s and a super-confident ego that tells you that you don’t have to prove your point to some schmuck who can’t accept good advice.
Thanks for the valuable comments. They make perfect sense….
When the situation can’t be changed, then it seems that the only thing that can be changed is the response.
I agree. Event + response = Outcome. So if we need the outcome we want we have to change the response.